Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story