SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”