@clichedout

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

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@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

@nbadag

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

@1Happytwit

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

@MeetMrAhmeed

Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking

@MNateShyamalan

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.

@andlikelaura

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY