My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?
So UBER is not a dating app?
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.