@SoloSalinas

Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”

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@bencoffeehall

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@P_o_n_k

BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?

@lovejulieacafe

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

@Contigo131

Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.

@reallifemommy3

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

@shutupmay

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen