I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, “Good Friday” would not have leaped to his mind.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.