@Lovestained555

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

You Might Also Like

@IdanBenBarak

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

@bazecraze

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

@benrector

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

@BoomBoomBetty

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

@TheTweetOfGod

If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, “Good Friday” would not have leaped to his mind.

@AlexEllisdon

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

@daemonic3

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.