Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Can. I. Help. You.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
i smell a pulitzer
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain