society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
God, I love Scotland
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.