@clichedout

society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week

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@MichaelJTiberi

Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.

@flagmytweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@TheRealDrTodd

“I’m a vegetarian but I eat fish.”
– People who don’t get how definitions work.

@Dawn_M_

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

@SladeWentworth

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

@junejuly12

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

@kristensauce

Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings