society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week

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Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.


Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier


I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.


i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone


Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy


“I’m a vegetarian but I eat fish.”
– People who don’t get how definitions work.


Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?


Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.


I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.


Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings