HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price