society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
You Might Also Like
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
necessity is the mother of invention
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )