If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
The best shot in the history of golf
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.