@ozzyunc

Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

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@CyborgHanky

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@ShootyDoody

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

@trebbieboy

Walkie-talkies as alternative educational communication tools:

Teacher: Your score is 98 over 100 OVER <static>

Student: Over? OVER <static>

T: 100. OVER <static>

S: Over? OVER <static>

T: Check your email…

@ch000ch

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

@BoogTweets

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

@DaleInc

This drink tastes like the neighbors will be hearing late night small arms fire. I swear I just saw a coyote or a squirrel or a tree or a…

@kimtopher22

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.