suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
🍛
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer