Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor