@AtticusFinch79

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

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@RBColl

FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.

“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”

@2tickytacky

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

@ChrisIsJoking

Overheard this guy say “I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can’t hula hoop.” Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable

@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

@fart

dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now

@TheAlexNevil

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

@Amburglar_

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

@bobvulfov

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table ūüôĀ