SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
im all 3
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.