FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.
“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Overheard this guy say “I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can’t hula hoop.” Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable
Me: This date is going well
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
dont remember a dang thing from last night but i have a crossbow now
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁