SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?