Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.