The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby