[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
That conflicted look in my wife’s eyes as I fold laundry. Happy that I’m doing it. Enraged that I’m doing it wrong.
Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]