@dorsalstream

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

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@Swan_Corleone2

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

@mortimermaiden

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

@CrockettForReal

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

@Dad_At_Law

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

@drchickenberg

That conflicted look in my wife’s eyes as I fold laundry. Happy that I’m doing it. Enraged that I’m doing it wrong.

@bencjenkins

Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.

@jonnysun

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

@BeeeejEsq

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]