@dorsalstream

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

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@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

@JohnsonDiaz21

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

@pleatedjeans

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@Ygrene

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

@MavenofHonor

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@Kendragarden

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby