SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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me
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
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[just meeting a new group of people]
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Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
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HER: No
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HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
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me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?