SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man