me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry