microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.