@NotJPo

Sodomy? SodoYOU. JK, please sodomy.

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@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@LMHPhotog

paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

@Nikkeya08

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

@Sickayduh

“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”

*scoops your baby up in a tissue*

@DrCephalopod

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

@Robinbuble

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.