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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.