The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Sodomy? SodoYOU. JK, please sodomy.
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paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”
*scoops your baby up in a tissue*
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…
Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.