[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.