@clarkekant

Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.

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@Parkerlawyer

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

@LurkAtHomeMom

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

@halloweenbears

it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

@perfect_messs

[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before

@girlnarly

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

@dumbbeezie

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

@Megatronic13

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.