If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Beware of fowl play.
“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”
*another coffin slowly rises behind him*
[drops the bass]
[gets fired from fishmongers]
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!
DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: Oh. OK.
*bins blueprint for Batcave*
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.