@pittdave13

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

@leonardcowalski

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

@bea_ker

“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@JordyHamrick

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

@Diversion50

DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!

ME: Great!

DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.

ME: Oh. OK.

*bins blueprint for Batcave*

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.