*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.