Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp