A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
welp
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”