[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
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This came to me in a dream.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭