My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
You Might Also Like
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.
Related fact: marijuana warps time perception