@david8hughes

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

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@ieatanddrink

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

@KKAlThani

1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@dafloydsta

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

@Thee1_4U

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.

@continentlbkfst

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

@FunnyIsFamily

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

@BoomBoomBetty

I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception