soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”