Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

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Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever


Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer


Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back


I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.


[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H


Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]


5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?


Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”


Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery


The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.