@GriffonTaylonYo

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

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@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever

@ronnui_

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@NewDadNotes

[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H

@Thynebear

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

@LizerReal

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@Dad_At_Law

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.