People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff