@JustHadOneJob

Solid advice.

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@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@hippieswordfish

*bank*
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’

*twirls hair*
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too

@House_Feminist

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

@Doc_Jyoti

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

@PhilJamesson

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

@SirEvisiae

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

@PatsATweetin

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff