one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
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I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Wake me when AI does housework
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit