Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
the simulation is moving too fast
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot