Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.