@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

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@UncleDuke1969

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?

@MeReflectingMe

Prince Charles is not at all pleased with the Genie that misheard his “coronation” wish.

@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

@Laser_Cat

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

@nakedlaughing

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

@OctopusCaveman

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

@brichie13

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”