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Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!


Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?


5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions


“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*


*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5


Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016