“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Huge, if true.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”