When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
You Might Also Like
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The internet is undefeated.. 😂