@whatdoiknow

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

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@impaulmccoy

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

@EllaZee5

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

@TSDD24

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

@TheMichaelRock

Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.

@68Cly29

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

@semple42

There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.

@Daisyldoo

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?