God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Some BODY once told me
were in the icebox
for this breakfast disgrace
I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
and stuffed in my face
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Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.
Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Morning wood makes the best fire.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?