Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
my name if I was in the mob
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
This will teach them to underestimate me
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!