Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…

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For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in


Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.


me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then


[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue


Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”


My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.


Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*


me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]


Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.