For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Some call it a fashion show. I call it my kids changing their shorts 8 times a day for no reason and leaving them all over the house…
You Might Also Like
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If you’re ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?
Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.