Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.