Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
You Might Also Like
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.