Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet