Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

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[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911


I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.


[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately


Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.


– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.


“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”

-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy


So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.


My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.