some cats are just doing for fun!
You Might Also Like
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs