Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.

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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.


When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.


Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?


INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no


I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns


“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations


9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”