@Dani21013

Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.

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@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

@XplodingUnicorn

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

@GeauxSaints79

Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@WilliamAder

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

@shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”