I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Spotted in New Orleans.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats