Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
You Might Also Like
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”