Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

eggs benadryl

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

what’s really going on

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”