Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Great acting.. 😂
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar