some clown on twitter: friendly reminder that you don’t OWE your friends friendship. OR loyalty. or ANYTHING indicating that you deserve their trust

that same clown one week later: you ever feel like…. you’re not anybody’s favorite person….. and nobody ever checks on you

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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.


Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss


We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident


I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo


*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password


Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.


Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!


Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird