[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.