Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
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being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.