Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

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Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.


grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.


“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive


Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.


Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..


Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town


Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.


I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.


Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.


Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.