Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.


GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*


Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?


Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.


Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.


I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.


All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus


BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
ME: no
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?


My daughter just said string cheese is not cheese it’s punishment, so I grounded her.