@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

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@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@mela_shea

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@mommajessiec

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

@_eric_alexander

I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.

@BuckyIsotope

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

@rockymomax

BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
ME: no
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?

@sweetmomissa

My daughter just said string cheese is not cheese it’s punishment, so I grounded her.

HOW’S THAT FOR PUNISHMENT??