Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?