When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
no
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.