Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions


The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don’t want anymore children living on our street.


CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult


My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*


Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.


“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”


6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”


If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops


[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom