Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Harsh but fair
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
i hate you platonically