Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…