Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@QwertyJones3

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@Mickey_McCauley

“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth

@crayolaawonderr

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

@weinerdog4life

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

@jake_lach

2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@WilliamRodgers

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…