@NikiWithIssues

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

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@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@causticbob

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

@iwearaonesie

wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
me:Good

@Ivsy01

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

@VapingSonic

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@Thynebear

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.