Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.