Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.